The hood

Written on 2:59 PM by isko b. doo

They finally did it.
As if the distinction of being the smallest planet and the most eccentric is not enough, astronomers last week dispensed with political correctness and called Pluto for what it is – a dwarf planet.
Imagine what that classification would do to a planet’s rep which is, after all, what matters in the hood which we call the solar system.

Jupiter, the big bully, laughed his ass off after hearing the new word in town.

"Hey, did you bitches hear? Pluto who we thought was just small for his size was found to be wearing elevator shoes. The bastard apparently is a midget. So, that's why he's got a small dick!"

Mars, ever energetic and ambitious, laughed harder than most while exclaiming, “Good one boss!”

Earth, along with the tramp Venus, who might have bedded every planet in the solar system (with the exception of Pluto: “He’s too small!”) now is backing off as if he didn’t start the gossip in the first place.

“Hey, here comes the dwarf and his mini-me!” Uranus, being his usual ass-self, called out when Pluto and Charon passes their orbit. "Mini-me" refers to Charon, Pluto’s twin in size and temperament.

Some planets have always been suspicious about their relationship. Word is that they are lovers.

Saturn, with a regal air adjusts his crown and puckered his lips in disapproval, and looked away. This is so beneath him. Mercury tries to defuse the situation with logic and communication. “Aw, common bitches, they don't call them dwarves anymore. He’s now vertically-challenged.” Venus twirled her hair and gagged on her chewing gum on the comment. Instead, she called out “Brokeback!”

Pluto walked briskly and ignored them. He practically dragged Charon along with him.

Everybody hooted.

Earth, still unsure of his place in the pack, smirked: “That Pluto, he’s weird. He always love to roam in the darkness and his eyes are always shifty.”

Yeah, and he’s very pale just like that Japanese boy from that horror movie where everybody gets snuffed? Man! He gives me the creeps.” Venus added, taking a drag of her cigarette.

“Yeah, I hear an 11-year old English girl named him because ain’t nobody wanted to get near his ugly face,” Jupiter said.

“He’s a suck up too. Always forcing himself on the Sun for a little bit of light. Snorting that ray like some poor loser,” Neptune said; who is actually a little bit jealous of Pluto because the Sun in some days has been giving Pluto all his attentions.

Plus, there’s that one incident when the Sun, the big boss, was driving around the neighborhood in his white limousine looking for trusted guys for a contract. Word spread around. Neptune heard about it and so hied off to look for the Sun. His massive limousine parked near the park. He trotted towards the car when he saw Pluto turned the corner in front of him also approaching the limousine.

Their eyes met. Pluto walked faster. Neptune jogged. Their gravity starts to pull on each other and just when Neptune is about to catch up, Pluto speeded up due to gravitational acceleration from the big boss and pulled ahead. Pluto got the job and Neptune never forgot about the incident.

“The bitch does walk fast, don’t he?” Jupiter said. He leans in his chair, cigarette hanging on his lips.

“Yeah, maybe they’re going to see their girlfriends. I always see them hanging with those midgets Ceres and Xena,” Earth reluctantly volunteered. “Maybe, they’re having a foursome!”

Everybody laughed. Mars laughed the loudest.

A meteorite swung by, almost hitting Jupiter. He fell from the chair, his bling-bling falling to the ground and burning himself with his own cigarette. He stared menacingly at Pluto and Charon as if it’s their fault he fell.

“Those gay midgets. They’ll get theirs, someday.”